Twilight, New Shite

While the title of this post may rhyme (Go check it out for yourself), it’s true. I saw the new Twilight movie, or rather, was
dragged to the new Twilight movie, and it can only be described as receiving a prostate examination from an elephant.
How can I describe how much I hated New Moon? Well. I can’t. Because, there is nothing that compares to the homosexuality that is New Moon. If you are male, and actually enjoy the Twilight series, you belong at a Mardi Gras parade. Not to be immature, but it’s really that gay. By about the ten minute mark, where the pasty bloke, Edward is leaving the not very attractive girl, whatserface, I was making gun noises, pretending to shoot me, Edward and Whatserface. I wanted to stand on my seat and throw faeces at the screen, hang myself from the projector and punch everyone in the audience in the ovaries (I was the unfortunate one who was dragged to the movie, possibly the only male to be in the audience)

Holy shit, I paid 8 bucks for that piece of crap. Well, anyway, basically the movie goes on with whatserface screaming in her sleep and shit because Edward left her. And she looses her nut and starts wanting to dry hump Jake or someone. And they build motorbikes together and she crashes, and I laughed hell hard because I hate her. Then for some reason she ends up in Italy, and there are other pasty blokes there with fake Italian accents. Then some shit happens and the entire room gets smashed. Edward does some shit to whatserface and I can’t remember the rest, I wanted to hang myself that badly I was medatating, dreaming of the minute that the cinema would let me go.

Oh, I remember something. Edward was saying something about “changing” Whatserface (Possibly into a pasty bloke?) and he said something about only if they get married. Then the credits rolled. I stood up. Scratched my scrotum, burped and left in great haste. Before there was a possibility of me being forced to see anything as suicide inducing as that again.

Seriously. That is how shit this movie was. If there was a level of shitness, this would be off the scale. It makes it worse how everyone on facebook keeps mentioning how good it is, and how they want to marry that Jake kid who is a wolf, or Edward because he sparkles in the sun. Just get fucked. In ten years, everyone will look back on the dreariness that is the Twilight Sega.

Oh yeah, and Whatserface jumps off a cliff. That was the highlight of the movie, along with Whatserface falling off a motorbike. OH SHIT. And she gets thrown into a mirror, that was sick. I was so happy when I saw that. I almost cheered.

I realise how badly written, organized and managed this review was. It’s a satirical prod toward the movie itself. Don’t point it out, dipshit.

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

How To: Deter Trick Or Treaters

How to deter dickheads dressed as pirates, criminals and murderers (AKA Trick Or Treaters):

1. Get a car with a large muffler (Such as a Nissan Silvia S13, Like mine)

2. Get some punk rock, really, really loudly.

3. Get a hose and bucket.

4. Clean said car with large muffler for 2 hours.

5. Bring a large, menacing German Shepard to the car cleaning.

6. Shake your head at freaks dressed as Elvis, Santa and the Devil.

7. If shaking your head doesn’t work, turn the car with the large muffler on, Rev the engine if need be.

8. If revving engine does not deter the freaks, Aim a waterpistol at them.

9. Let the German Shepard free on your front garden. I gaurantee that the Haloweeners will cross the street, like mine did.

This is also a rundown of my night tonight. Are you jealous?

What the fuck do I have to give people candy for anyway? Just because theres some half- celebrated AMERICAN (NOT Australian) tradition, does that mean you have to dress like a complete tool, knock on my door and ask for candy? Get the fuck off my lawn.

Perez Hilton Needs To Be Shot……………… By Me

I hate Perez Hilton.

1st. He’s a homosexual, no doubt making him exceptionally left wing.
2nd He has some strange obsession with calling Pete Doherty a crack head.
3rd He has never once said a single good thing about anyone. Ever.
4th I’ve read dyslexic handwriting written with toes that is more coherent than his.
5th He is about as over rated as Family Guy.
6th His drawings are all the same. Just dicks drawn pissing on celebrities. And he uses the same one over and over.
My list can go on. Mainly though, because of his frequent, untruthful rumours of Pete Doherty. A man, whom, despite his drug abuse, I admire to the moon and back.

A man who has written classic songs:
Don’t look back into the sun
Albion
Fuck Forever
Up the bracket
Gang Of Gin
Loyalty Songs
Killamangiro
Up the morning
Babyshambles
East Of Eden
Carry On Up The Morning
Beg Steal Or Borrow
Delivery
You Talk
Unbilotitled
Unstookietitled
Lost Art Of Murder
Love you but you’re green
Campaign of hate
Last post on the bugle
Never Never
You’re my waterloo
Time For Heroes
What a waster
Death On Stairs
What became of the likely lads?
Road to ruin

The list goes on. I’m quite a fan, as you can see.

I challenge you, Perez. Have you ever heard a single one of those songs? IF, IF, IF you have, you fat son of a bitch, Have you heard 10 percent of those? And have you ever sat back and thought:
“Fuck. That is a lyrical genius, despite his frequent jail sentences and drug addictions.”

This goes to anyone who talks shit about him. I don’t care.  But have the decency to recognise that you don’t know fuck all about Pete, Mark,  Adam, Drew,  Mick, Carl,  John or Gary.

Perez makes he mistake of thinking that Pete is the only junky to ever live. Ever. He also makes the mistake of thinking that the  7 other band mates had never touched a single joint of weed, crack pipe or needle. Well:
“I’m Welcome Back If I Give Up Crack, But You Gave Me My First Pipe Anyway;” -Gang Of Gin- Babyshambles.

In other words. I am welcome back to The Libertines if I give up crack, But The Libertines introduced it to me anyway.

Perez. Study. No doubt, while your holed up in your luxury Hollywood apartment, you can hire someone to do it for you.

Don’t belittle my country either, Or I will personally fly over there and shoot you.

In the immortal words of Pete:
Fuck Forever.

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Todays Mobile Phones Are Arse-Backward

If your car required refueling daily, after a bit of a drive, you’d be pissed, right? Then WHY are you not pissed at your mobile Phone (Or cell, depending on which country you’re in)?

I used to have a phone that required a recharge DAILY. That was without calls or texts during that day. It would get charged overnight, Used during the day, and die on me at about 4pm. It would receive another charge until the next morning.

This, is tedious, as you can imagine. Much to my delight, this phone broke in a metal cutting incident. Rest in pieces. It was broken anyway. The menu button was indescribably destroyed, so much so that the alternate had to be used. The screen flashed constantly, It never made a sound when someone called me and it often cut half of a text message out when sending/receiving. By all accounts. It was shit.

A friend of mine lent me their phone until I found a replacement. The phone is about twice the size of an Ipod. It has snake 2, Can only read text messages, is about 20 kilo’s in weight and, yes some would call it a “Brick”. I, happen to call it god:

This is the actual size.

The battery, lasts for 2 weeks when the phone is used conservatively. It is unbreakable, It is the loudest phone ever heard and it has the look of a taser, if ever you need to ward of thugs. It’s got a gold paint to the front of it which leads me to believe the phone is made of gold. I have no idea how old it is. Much to my delight, the friend has given me this phone now. They don’t want it back.

If we could do all this however long ago my phone was made, why can’t we do it now? Why isn’t there an indestructible, loud, long lasting phone? You, the reader are sitting there going:
“But it can go on msn, internet and play mp3’s.”- So can an Ipod, and that has gone from black to white and has not run out of battery 2 minutes into a song.

I have a feeling there is something behind all this. If we can fit the internet into a mobile, why can’t we fit a battery that lasts longer than 12 hours? Am I missing something?

In the meantime, I will contemplate selling my phone for 100 AUD on ebay. That’s the price I’ve seen it at.

Disagree?: TomThePom@Englandmail.com

MR.T And His Cooking Skillzzzzzz

Mr. T has began whoring himself off on the TV.

This is possibly the funnist ever commercials.

Don’t believe me?

Just watch the first few seconds of this:

And if you are as obsessive about the FlavourWave oven as me, you’ll download it. If you don’t know how to, Email me.

There is also a Mr. T Flavour Wave Oven RAP.

There is a fucking rap?!:

I think we can all see how this will benifit mankind.

I’d also like to point out that Mr. T kicked a door in with his head. If you want to download either the rap or the infomercial, Email me:

Got any other poorly endorced products? Perhaps you would like to buy a flavourwave oven from me, with a large mark up? TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Linux Fucks Me Off

Technology, as I’ve previously mentioned, tends to fuck me over.

These three technological fuck ups happened all within a week of one another:
1st (Quite a while ago, My 360 decided that it would only emit sound) I fixed it by smacking the side of it. I was most pleased. “Perhaps more things should be smacked, more often?”; I thought to myself. The Xbox proceeded to break again 3 weeks ago.

2nd: My laptop, a week later ran in circles. Turn it on, Black screen would appear followed by several “Critical” errors (Which I promptly ignored) and it would just restart itself. My laptop became a 700 dollar Drink coaster.

3rd: My desktop promptly followed suit with the other two, and similar to the laptop, became a coaster. I proceeded to blame Bill Gates for all three issues, being that Microsoft was behind each of the OS issues.

I went out, bought a 25 dollar magazine that came with Linux install discs and installed it onto the desktop and the laptop. It went well. The laptop was up to full speed, and the desktop was slower…. But worked.

I lost interest in my Do-It-Yourself computer fixing. The desktop managed to start bellowing SMOKE. FUCKING SMOKE! In a great haste, I pulled the plug on that one.

The laptop still works though! And I’ve got this to say about Linux:
WHAT THE FUCK? Not only did it blow my desktop up, but more importantly, I can’t use a single thing from windows. It scratches it’s head at MP3’s, Video files, DVD’s, Youtube, Flash files, .EXE files TEXT files, and pretty much anything you actually require to use a computer.

My Drink Coaster has become even more useless. Of the small group that make software for the machine, few give any hints of how to use it, many just state:
“Copy and paste this into a Terminal (Like a text document) and you’ll be able to do something rudementry, like unzip a file:
a;lrkjdt;aglidfhgp;kanfpgvionad;fgiuvhane;fvhpak;ldngfa
as;dgn;aofng;aiupfhg;lqkrhjg[oqijgpioqjrgpiohanfpiguvna;dfn;akldngv’
;akjfn;glknapflkgnapofvhna;pobhv;afjohgpqw;krfngb[awkofnhgipu

It’s really that easy!”

NO. It’s not. It’s fucking impossible. I thought I was alright at computers until I was forced to use Linux.

Seriously. Don’t even consider Linux. Stick with the old, untrustworthy windows. There is ZERO reason to think this is a good idea. You can’t play games (Not without some super secret file that, like the zip file, is in some stupid code). I downloaded windows XP. But guess what? It was in .RAR!

Fuck Linux. Fuck Bill Gates. Fuck this Beer Coaster. Fuck XBox and fuck technology.

This has been an informative review of the impossible OS Linux by Tom The Pom.

I’d like to point out that Linux are British. I still hold them with contempt.

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Arctic Monkeys Humbug Downloads

The new Arctic Monkeys album is out.

I’ve nicked a copy from T’internet. I only got it ten minutes ago. I don’t know what the album is like, but at a guess it’s going to be very dark.

Anyway. I can’t review something I haven’t viewed/listened to when I’m done listening to it, I’ll do a review.

Total file size is 60.6 MB with the album artwork:

 
Track listing:
1. My Propeller
2. Crying Lightening
3. Dangerous Animals
4. Secret Door
5. Potion Approaching
6. Fire And The Thud
7. Cornerstone
8. Dance Little Liar
9. Pretty Visitors
10. The Jewellers Hand’s
11. I Haven’t Got My Strange (Japan Bonus Track)
12. Red Right Hand (Japan Bonus Track)

After three times of Megaupload deleting my links, I got pissed, they lost my upload and now IFILE have it. They allow better download speeds/ upload speeds. IFILE are easier to use, plus there isn’t a single fucking advert I doubt that they will delete my file:

http://ifile.it/awlvdx1

OR:

http://ifile.it/awlvdx1/Arctic%20Monkeys-%20Humbug.rar

Any issues? Requests? TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Bromwell High- Fire Drill Free Download

The chances are, that if you’ve searched for Bromwell High in google, you know what it is, you don’t need me to explain it to you and you just want your download and then go fuck off to watch it, yes?

If so, shut up and do as I just said:

Episode 1: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=PMQD5VAT
Episode 2:http://www.megaupload.com/?d=6HGMQYD7                                                                                                               Episode 3:http://www.megaupload.com/?d=QNZWPJJM
Episode 4: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=KSO2ZBE4
Episode 5 (Fire Drill): http://www.megaupload.com/?d=PMQD5VAT

 

If you somehow stumbled upon this page, perhaps you should watch this, piss yourself laughing then go download it from above:

And, another one I thought was quite good:

 

If you do download the show you will need WINRAR to unrar each file. Just email me at TomThePom@Englandmail.com for a free full version of it.

Any other issues? TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Technology Is A Conspiracy

 

Think of every large item you’ve ever bought. A house, a Boat, a motorbike, a car, a caravan. Think of how they either;

A) Depreciated at a gradual rate.

B) Appreciated in price due to good car or because they were the last of their kind.

Now. Think of technology. Technology, ALWAYS depreciates (Beyond the point that it’s not worth even selling it). Our Technology will only ever appreciate after you and I are deteriating in a pine box. For instance. The PC I’m currently sitting at, 800 Australian dollars worth 3-4 years ago. It’s in good enough nick. Format the hard drive and it’s ready for an auction. But I know that within it’s 3-4 year lifetime, it’s lost more than half it’s value, more than 3/4. I’d be lucky to sell it for $150 with a keyboard, mouse, monitor and speakers.

Which is quite a joke, considering you’re average car won’t loose half it’s value for 5-6 years at the worst. A house, will only ever depreciate half it’s value in some sort of extreme, and I don’t know about boats, motorbikes and such but I can fucking bet on it that it’s the same story.

My LCD TV. 1500 dollars worth. I bet it’s worth a good 400 dollars 2 years later? Maybe 600? I’m no expert. What about my Xbox 360? It’s got a chip in it. It cost me squat (Came free with a mobile phone I bought- which happened to break within 6 months.) Methinks that if I sold the Xbox now, it’d be worth 150-200 dollars if anyone was thick enough to buy it. My speaker system. 2 months old, bought for 50 Australian and I’m willing to bet that it’s not worth 10 dollars simply because it’s passed through my hands.

All those poxy DVD’s I bought for 20-30 dollars before Internet was quick enough to download from instead? JB-HI-FI flog new DVD’s out for 10 to 20 dollars. Depending on the film. I doubt I could even sell these old movies. It’s the same with Xbox games, psp games. Anything.

My Ipod? Bought January 2009. Paid 175 Australian. 8 GB, been kept in a case all it’s lifetime, not a scratch. Methinks 100 dollars? Someone make me an offer? I’ll chuck in all my music and movies too. Free postage. Because In 5 Years Time Will It Be- Who The Fuck Are Apple Computers?- I mean, Arctic Monkeys.

It goes with any piece of technology. Unless you have the first colour Tele, you can’t appreciate on anything with soldering.

There’s some huge arse conspiracy, where by someone is rubbing their hands together. Meanwhile, starving children in Africa like me are trying to flog off new Ipod’s for 100 dollars.

C’mon Ebay push those prices up for Uncle Tom?

What are the chances of me selling anything? Or anyone selling anything second hand?

 

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

 

HOME

The Ashes

England Is Going To Win The Ashes.

Or rather, England has WON the Ashes.

Enough Said?

 

TomThePom@Englandmail.com