Being Obese Isn’t An Excuse In Life.

When you have a gut that overhangs your genitles, get the fuck off my train:

Every time I board a train, there will be more Obese people than people with a healthy BMI Range.

It’d be cool if they were just overweight, but they’re not. Obese people take up two seats, and they stink up the seats around them with sweat, and nobody wants to sit near/ next to them.

Worse again, is the people too obese to stand, and require some sort of motorised aide to get them around.

I hate them. I hate them all. Because, Obesity is the leading cause of bullshitting. Did you know that?

People are too lazy/ fat to walk, so they have an aide.

It’s not a real disability. A real disability is accidental, Obesity is preventable. You could think to yourself as you chomp through that McShit, “Man, this is probably going to cause me some weight gain if I eat all eight of these McShits.”

But no, These people still continue.

And, I, The skinny guy, have to pay extra taxes to fix these problems, deal with obese, sweaty fuckwits on the train, and wait in line forever at a hospital.

Obese people.

Star jumps taste good. Do lots of them and it’s orgasmic.

Now get the fuck off my train, and never ever tell me to get out of my seat because you have a “Disability” again.

Fuck you.

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Clinton And Bush Haiti Appeal

I see a lot of ads for the Clinton-Bush Haiti Appeal. Two former presidents, whom both had bad runnings in office (Ironically, Clinton had a lot of fun in his office, notably his office desk), are now teaming up together to ask for donations to Haiti?

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t seem like they’re that bothered. I may be a bit cold hearted, but they seem only to be in it to gain a bit more respect. Since Obama came in, nobody has heard much from Bush, and he isn’t well liked anywhere, by anyone, except me, because, War stomps the shit. Clinton seems to be a walking joke that Yankee TV seems to dust off every now and then, like black tinsel on a christmas tree, pointless, but good to laugh at.

I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t like Live Aid, where all the money that was collected was huge, but fuck all went toward the starving children of Africa, and mainly went toward Bono’s ever homosexual fashion tastes. Similarly, I think that the Clinton-Bush appeal could be similar, and could just go toward a new office desk for Clinton, and a revamp of Bush’s Dude Ranch.

Better to just give your money through the red cross or a legitimate appeal, instead of two old codgers looking to make a coin, and respect.

Onward christian soldiers, marching all the way….

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Adelaide Fringe, A Drug Enduced Haze, For 50 Years!

I was able to actually go to the Fringe this year (An Adelaide and drug based festival of arts and comedy)

I’ve never been, but I’d always wanted to go see The Red Bastard, and Ronnie Johns “Chopper”, but had always put it off.

Yesterday, I grew a pair and went, holy shit, I’ve never seen anything as drugged as that, and I’m a fan of Pete Doherty. I saw tophats, pink shirts, gypsy’s and dwarves and, that was just the paying audience. I’m not kidding. There was a Gypsy tent. There was a tent for Dwarves, and there was even a weed head tent. The smell of weed was a tad overpowering, but you get used to it, along with the talking dogs and new colours.

I only had my Eftpos card, so I mainly stinged off of the “buskers” zone. Magic tricks, Americans balancing on chairs, a man with a three kilo battle axe “Direct from Scotland”, and what I must say was the biggest letdown of the night, a woman named “California” who had named her breasts “Bondi” and “Malibu”, Holy shit, she was NOT FUNNY in the slightest. I got up and walked off when she said that her handbag was next to her, (It was a bag full of adult hula-hoops), She was forever trying to quote French words, in incorrect places, and I was most bemused by her referring to her tits as beaches.

Aside from that, I’ll probably return to the Fringe. But if I read the word “California” again, I will have to use that man’s battleaxe on Malibu and Bondi. Lady Ga-Ga Wannabe’s (And Lady Ga-Ga herself); Not cool.

Oh, and a drunken performer stumbled down a hill, lost his shit on the way, rolled down the remainder of the hill and knocked a small child over, the kid was not impressed. I was, because he lost his ice cream and donuts. That’ll teach you for being morbidly obese, bastard.

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Bullets in the Brain

Holy fuck. I am voting for Tony Abbott. If he does what he should do. I don’t care about many policies. Just keep shit I don’t pay attention to afloat, and make the important policies remarkable.

For instance, Tony Abbott has said that the death penalty for Mass Murders is a good idea. I agree. Though, Tony, you are a fuck wit, because you have also announced that you will not re introduce the death penalty. Which is called SITTING ON A FUCKING FENCE. Get the fuck off the fence. Chose the left side of the fence or the right. The left is full of smelly hippies and Prius drivers (With their faulty breaks and steering) and the right is full of patriots and Land Rover drivers.

I automatically nominate the right hand side of the fence for Mr. Abbott, and I am demanding that he introduce it. Anyone that cracks down on crime, migration and the infrastructure wins my vote. I don’t need a multi billion dollar Football stadium, I don’t need the Adelaide tram line to no where and I certainly don’t need to be stuck in traffic for an hour on a trip that should take half an hour. 

What I do need, is the right to free speech (Michael Atkinson, If I ever meet you I will strangle you, also, Mike Rann), I also think I have the right to bare arms, I think I should be allowed to beat the shit out of someone who scratches my car, I think I should be allowed to drive from A to B without traffic, I think I ought to not have my taxes spent on a pointless rail systems from Adelaide to, what may as well be eleven thousand feet under the ocean.

Mass murder is wrong, shoot anyone who commits it. Ofcourse, you need to be 100 percent sure, But I’m not a judge. But everyone knows that it deters that loner who sits in the dark, cuts himself with a large knife and masturbates to pictures of women with yellow socks on.

I think, while I’m at it, I’ll point out that the “Gag” on political satirists starts today in South Australia. We cannot mention anything about the upcoming state elections. So, to break this gag, because Chairman Mao himself would say it was unfair, I will mention the upcoming elections;

DO NOT VOTE FOR MIKE RANN. What a twat; “We’ll force them all not to speak about us in a humourous approach, nor any approach at all, that way we’ll get votes, yeah?” And hence, I will vote for a joke party, perhaps I’ll close my eyes and just select a random party. That should do it.

I hate you, Mike Rann. I hate you, Michael Atkinson. Because, the pair of you are Joseph Stalin and Chairman Mao.

Somehow I wondered from National Elections to local elections, But I couldn’t resist punching below the belt on the censorship.

I hate censorship.

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Australian Radio Is The Worst Thing Since Hell

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but in Britain, the radio shows (Although nobody there likes them) Are decent enough. They’re passable. People complain about them all the time, without noticing that Australia has the worst choice in radio that you can possibly imagine.

I’ll lead you through  what I am forced to listen to on a typical work day:
Hotel Room Service- Pitbull

Here’s a lyric, to show how bad this song is: Forget about your boyfriend and meet me at the hotel room, you can bring your girlfriends and meet me at the hotel room. We at the hotel, motel, holiday inn.

Pitbull, and whoever he just met are as promiscuous as a 10 dollar prostitute. I hate them.

Watcha Say- Jason Derulo

This song is basically built up by an aircraft drone, or perhaps a washing machine on a spin cycle: Here’s the only lyrics I can get out of it: “Watcha saaaaaaaaaaayaa while you’re running awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayaaaa” And other shit that sounds not dissimilar to a constant drone of a cargo plane.

Meet Me On The Equinox- Death Cap For Cutie
“Meet me on the equinox, meet me halfway…” And the rest of the song just dissolves into more shittyness. Just like the above song, it’s a constant drone of annoying American accents. I hate it.

Tik Toc- Ke$ha

“Tick Tock, on the clock, ‘imma fight to we see the sunlight. But the party ain’t stopping now Oooohwa Ooooh Oooh.”
And
“I’m talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys tryin’ to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk”

This, crappy excuse for song writing, coupled with a god awful tone, pitch and accent, leads me to think this song was destined for a number one hit. I hate it. I wish this woman was in this room, because I’d beat her to death.

Fever-Cascadia

“Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Jusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssst Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrn’t Get Enough, When I’m with you, you give me Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeveeeer.”

This, coupled with music that has been slapped together on a microsoft program.

Can you imagine the pain I receive?

There are more. But my mind is struggling co comprehend all of this.

People in Australia. Tell me, IS NOVA FM AS BAD AS THIS EVERYWHERE ELSE?

Because, Nova plays these songs, on repeat, non-stop, all day long. I’ve never heard anything of decency come on, except for one day, when they asked for requests. I requested a lot.

Hate your local radio?

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Cyclists Piss Me Off

Cyclists are all wankers. They all bitch and moan about being victims of Hit and Run, but I put it to you that it’s almost always their fault. Like today. I almost hit a good two dozen of the lycra-clad penis’ while they took up TWO ENTIRE LANES of traffic!

Want to know why there was 24 in one section of road? Want to know why, in an hours worth of driving, I saw more bikes than cars?:

It’s called the tour down under. Nothing annoys me on the road more than the Toyota Prius, But the tour down under gets fairly close. Bikers seem to think it’s their right to take up all the road, instead of the bike lane that they were generously given by someone, someone who I now hate.

When someone votes for my party (www.britishpatriot.wordpress.com/PIPB) I will make it illegal to go on the road with a bike without some sort of permit.

So bikers. Before you all start going on about hit and run, think of me. Steaming from the ears due to you taking up ALL OF THE MOTHER FUCKING ROAD. Adelaide doesn’t need any more traffic jams, and you’re just creating more.

Tomthepom@englandmail.com

America, Centre Of The World.

Haiti, hit by a 7.0 magnitude kick in the bollocks of a earthquake, in the past week, has received all the airplay on telly. And by all, I mean all the airplay that Obama didn’t take.

So, an earthquake hits a small, south American Republic, and everyone rushes to Obama? Why? What the fuck did he do? What does it matter what he says? If there’s an earthquake in France, nobody would rush to Sarkozy or Brown, As France, the victim of the Earthquake, and Britain, the nearest neighbour, No, the media would all rush to Obama to find out what he can pull out of his arse for such a disaster.

That’s bollocks. Fuck Obama. Everyone’s got their head too far up their arse to see that whenever something happens, everyone rushes to Obama/ someone in Washington to find out what they think of a matter that has sod all to do with them.

If Spain declared war on Portugal, Obama would call a press conference calling for peace and love, but what has he got to do with any of that? Still, you wouldn’t hear a peep out of Brown. Because it’s UNRELATED.

America cannot stand not being the centre of attention. That is final. While, I agree with some of their policies (Gun laws, particularly), I am bewildered by others, Dumbfounded.

Obama, while you may look like Tiger Woods (And I respect anyone that can pull off a stunt like that for 10 years), Get over yourself.

Got a problem, yankee? TomThePom@Englandmail.com

Computers Suck

I hate  computers. The two of them in my household died at the same time. I’m majorly pissed. I had to borrow a mates computer to write this.

No more posting for a while.

Fuck you, Bill Gates.

Twilight, New Shite

While the title of this post may rhyme (Go check it out for yourself), it’s true. I saw the new Twilight movie, or rather, was
dragged to the new Twilight movie, and it can only be described as receiving a prostate examination from an elephant.
How can I describe how much I hated New Moon? Well. I can’t. Because, there is nothing that compares to the homosexuality that is New Moon. If you are male, and actually enjoy the Twilight series, you belong at a Mardi Gras parade. Not to be immature, but it’s really that gay. By about the ten minute mark, where the pasty bloke, Edward is leaving the not very attractive girl, whatserface, I was making gun noises, pretending to shoot me, Edward and Whatserface. I wanted to stand on my seat and throw faeces at the screen, hang myself from the projector and punch everyone in the audience in the ovaries (I was the unfortunate one who was dragged to the movie, possibly the only male to be in the audience)

Holy shit, I paid 8 bucks for that piece of crap. Well, anyway, basically the movie goes on with whatserface screaming in her sleep and shit because Edward left her. And she looses her nut and starts wanting to dry hump Jake or someone. And they build motorbikes together and she crashes, and I laughed hell hard because I hate her. Then for some reason she ends up in Italy, and there are other pasty blokes there with fake Italian accents. Then some shit happens and the entire room gets smashed. Edward does some shit to whatserface and I can’t remember the rest, I wanted to hang myself that badly I was medatating, dreaming of the minute that the cinema would let me go.

Oh, I remember something. Edward was saying something about “changing” Whatserface (Possibly into a pasty bloke?) and he said something about only if they get married. Then the credits rolled. I stood up. Scratched my scrotum, burped and left in great haste. Before there was a possibility of me being forced to see anything as suicide inducing as that again.

Seriously. That is how shit this movie was. If there was a level of shitness, this would be off the scale. It makes it worse how everyone on facebook keeps mentioning how good it is, and how they want to marry that Jake kid who is a wolf, or Edward because he sparkles in the sun. Just get fucked. In ten years, everyone will look back on the dreariness that is the Twilight Sega.

Oh yeah, and Whatserface jumps off a cliff. That was the highlight of the movie, along with Whatserface falling off a motorbike. OH SHIT. And she gets thrown into a mirror, that was sick. I was so happy when I saw that. I almost cheered.

I realise how badly written, organized and managed this review was. It’s a satirical prod toward the movie itself. Don’t point it out, dipshit.

TomThePom@Englandmail.com

How To: Deter Trick Or Treaters

How to deter dickheads dressed as pirates, criminals and murderers (AKA Trick Or Treaters):

1. Get a car with a large muffler (Such as a Nissan Silvia S13, Like mine)

2. Get some punk rock, really, really loudly.

3. Get a hose and bucket.

4. Clean said car with large muffler for 2 hours.

5. Bring a large, menacing German Shepard to the car cleaning.

6. Shake your head at freaks dressed as Elvis, Santa and the Devil.

7. If shaking your head doesn’t work, turn the car with the large muffler on, Rev the engine if need be.

8. If revving engine does not deter the freaks, Aim a waterpistol at them.

9. Let the German Shepard free on your front garden. I gaurantee that the Haloweeners will cross the street, like mine did.

This is also a rundown of my night tonight. Are you jealous?

What the fuck do I have to give people candy for anyway? Just because theres some half- celebrated AMERICAN (NOT Australian) tradition, does that mean you have to dress like a complete tool, knock on my door and ask for candy? Get the fuck off my lawn.